His reason for living
by maneki
Summary: Gintoki returns to a certain place and remembers how he and Katsura fought during the war. Will the past overtake him and his feelings? GinxZura


**His r****eason for living**

Being a careless and easygoing guy all the time proved to be hard sometimes. As stupid as it sounded, but it was true. It was especially hard at night when everything was dark und quiet. Good thing one used to be at sleep during quiet and dark nighttime. At least as long as one didn´t eat too many chocolate-parfaits before going to bed.

"Ugh, screw me and my sweet tooth!"

The sound of water hitting the porcelain as he used the flush was ringing loudly in Gintoki´s ears.

"Guess I should go and breathe some fresh air."

He left the apartment on his toes and closed the door behind him carefully. The memory of Kagura´s bad mood when she didn´t get enough sleep was still painfully vivid in his mind.

He started off strolling down the streets of nighttime Kabuki-district and let his feet guide their own way soon. The colorful advertisments were replaced by calm and dark fassades, until those, too were replaced by broken fences in front of wild growing trees and bushes. The modern technology of the Amanto-era hadn´t reached this place, yet. Gintoki breathed in deeply and enjoyed the cool night-air on his skin. He closed his eyes for a moment and could feel the knot in his throat loosen a bit. His feet came to a halt on their own and as he opened his eyes he recognized a place he hadn´t visited in a long while.

Not without reason.

One could abandon his sword and try to return to childhood but sooner or later his memories would remind him of who he was and what he did.

The house was overgrown and dilapidated but the place was still the same as back then when they had been using it as their hideout. Gintoki raised his foot and stepped on the veranda carefully, the floor boards creaked quietly but seemed still solid enough to carry his weight. He reached the entrance way and laid a hand on the rotten wood of the door frame. His fingertips grew warm and his arm soon started pounding as if charging itself up with long forgotten energy.

"Tzk!"

He quickly removed his hand and stared at his fingers. Balling into a fist and stretching again. He did so multiple times in order to get rid of the pounding feeling. This energy was useless now. He moved on and took a look around each room. Scattered papers, worn out tatami-mats, broken doors. He crossed several rooms, each of them in the same state of disorder and desolation. He hestitated before he entered the last room at the end of a long corridor. If it was still there? The floor made a soft noise as he placed his foot upon the old wood. He crossed the room slowly, heading for the far right corner. His gaze settled on the floor and when his eyes had gone used to the darkness he could recognize a small hole in the floor. His vision became blurry as he revived his last night in this room.

"_This is our last chance, Gintoki! We have to do it!"_

"_Shut up! It´s insane! We already lost so many. How many more do we have to lose until you realize that our swords are no match against their bombs and lasers?!"_

"_Wasn´t it like this from the start?! Do you want to live in a world like this? Dominated by a species, which has nothing but hate and disgust for us?"_

"_I agree with you that this world isn´t a nice place to live anymore. But the way our world was before those creatures came wasn´t perfect, too. What I know is that I don´t want to die here right now. __I dreamed of a pieceful death as an old man like everybody else after all."_

"_You are pathetic, Gintoki."_

"_And what about you? __Why do you want to die so badly here and now, Katsura?"_

"_..."_

_Calm, dark eyes met purple ones as they gazed at each other silently for a while._

"_I don´t want to die. But what reason is there to go on living for me? If all of my friends die in front of my eyes and I can´t do anything about it?! I´m not as strong as you, Gintoki! I didn´t rescue a single one of our friends!"_

_Katsura´s__ eyes were glistening with moisture now and he looked almost as beautiful and fragile as an angel with his long, dark strands of hair falling out of his ponytail._

_Gintoki slowly took a step towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder._

"_You don´t have to. I will rescue them. I will rescue you."_

_It sounded less convinced than it should have and as a reaction __Katsura´s face hardened. His eyes started glowing dangerously. Voice cold and toneless as a hiss as he spoke again._

"_You can´t rescue all of us. Stop acting like a child already!"_

_Katsura shook off Gintoki´s hand and motioned for the door but was stopped as the other man´s fingers closed themselves firmly around his wrist._

"_Let go."_

"_Don´t, Katsura."_

"_Let go, I said!"_

"_I won´t."_

_The dark haired Samurai__ turned around in a flash, his free hand raised up high to knock Gintoki unconscious, but the other man had seen this coming and evaded Katsura´s hand, bringing his arm in a painful angle has he did so._

"_Argh!"_

_Katsura lost his balance for a split-second and was knocked down hard by his silverhaired companion. So hard that one of the floor boards broke as they both hit the floor. Trapped under Gintoki´s weight he was unable to move. And a shudder ran down his spine as he felt the taller man´s lips close to his ear whisper:_

"_Who´s going to rescue me when this is all over?"_

_The weight of Gintoki´s head as he rested __it against Katsura´s shoulder made his body glow with an indescribable heat. The deep voice vibrated through his limbs as Gintoki spoke:_

"_I need you, Katsura. I need to see your face in order to live and be strong."_

_Katsura swallowed hard before he raised his arms slowly. Those broad shoulders he touched had been the strongest he´d known up until now. His slender arms around them seemed ridiculous. He opened his mouth and felt Gintoki´s shoulders tense as he formed the words:_

"Why?"

Gintoki snapped out of his memories as he heard the familiar voice.

"Huh?"

He blinked and saw Katsura standing next to the room´s entrance.

"Why are you here I asked."

Katsura moved closer. Without making a sound as if floating. He hadn´t changed at all, had he?

Gintoki raised his hand to scratch the back of his head.

"Couldn´t sleep I guess."

"Hm, but tired enough to be daydreaming here."

He was directly beside him now, Gintoki could even smell the scent of his hair.

"A..and what about you? There a reason for you being here?"

Katsura had noticed the other man´s nervousness and a smirk was audible in his voice as he answered:

"I come here regularly."

And with a meaningful gaze in Gintoki´s direction he added:

"Unless some other people who prefer forgetting everything, which happened."

"I haven´t forgotten anything!"

Katsura had noticed Gintoki´s body tensing but couldn´t stop himself from teasing further.

"Tzk, that´s a weak lie! You even forgot my name."

Too quick to react he found himself being pressed against a wall by two strong palms on his shoulders. The intensity of those purple eyes made his knees go weak but Gintoki´s grip held him in place. They stared at each other silently, their faces nearing each other inch by inch. He could feel Gintoki´s breath on his lips as he spoke:

"I haven´t forgotten your name, KAtsura."

Gintoki shot him one last fiery gaze before their lips met in a fierce kiss. Gintoki´s hands found their way into long dark hair, while Katsura grabbed fistfuls of white Kimono as he pulled the other man closer. Gintoki´s lips felt hot and dry. A deep moan formed itself in his throat as Katsura opened his mouth to sooth them with his tongue. The other man´s lips parted and their tongues met in a playful battle. Katsura had to break away for air as he felt Gintoki´s leg slide between his tighs. Small, slender hands wanderd up Gintoki´s back and he began to feel really comfortable for the first time in a long while. Their kisses became softer and more slowly, Gintoki bit his friend´s lower lip tenderly and felt him smiling against his mouth. Long fingers traced the skin of Katsura´s exposed shoulder and put strands of hair behind his ear.

Gintoki´s expression was as serious as back then when they broke the kiss to watch each other silently. He mustered every inch of Katsura´s face and let his thumb slide over the heated skin of his cheeks.

"I´m glad you didn´t choose to die back then."

This serious atmosphere just wasn´t like Gintoki. Katsura just smiled and reached out to ruffle silver permed hair.

"Oi, Zura, I´m not your pet."

"You aren´t?"

Gintoki moved in and their mouths locked again. Between playful bites and kisses Katsura could hear muffled words:

"Well...maybe I am."

He was only able to answer with a surprised gasp as Gintoki grazed his teeth along the sensitive spot behind his ear. Dying was out of the question, he´d found his reason to live on years ago.


End file.
